How To Fix Airport Security

During the holidays, while Commander Dithers was in Hawaii, on yet another luxury vacation, I had a lot of time to think about jihadists, or what we now know as BVD bombers. These sad, unfortunate young men, who could be cured by a smidge of horizontal bopping, unfortunately hook up with beady eyed imams who have more problems than a team of shrinks could undo in a lifetime of work.

These mullahs have sphincters so tight that you could use them to crack walnuts with a single grunt, and they devise all kinds of ways for someone other than their cowardly selves to blow up. Sort of begs the question, if martyrdom is such a beautiful thing, why aren’t the old bastards first in line?

So the first thing we need to do is bring back racial profiling. That’s right, open the closet, dust it off, and put it back on the shelf where it can be checked out and used when appropriate.

So when is it appropriate? Anytime, anywhere, and on anyone, to make it simple.

If you are coming to the United States from anywhere, you are guilty until proven innocent. If you are in the United States, and you are not a citizen, you are a suspect, with no civil liberties, just like Americans are treated everywhere else in the world.

I know this will have the White House, the Attorney General, and the New York Times gasping for air, but when the next bombing occurs, let’s prosecute them for being co-conspirators too, and put them all on the “no fly” list, especially if it’s to Martha’s Vineyard, or Hawaii.

If they want to fly to Saudia Arabia, Yemen, Pakistan, by all means get them on the plane, hell, send them first class, just lose that return ticket. I’m sure they can find a job making soccer balls, or something important.

Or how about this? If you’re from Saudia Arabia, Yemen, Syria, Egypt, or any of these other terrorist countries, you just can’t have a visa, period. You can’t come for any reason. No student visas, no tourist visas, no visas at all. Stay home, or visit Somalia, or the Sudan, we don’t have room for you here.

Right here in Virginia, just miles from where I live, the Saudi Academy continues to teach jihad right under the nose of Commander Dithers. They promised to stop years ago, but nobody ever checks on them to see whether they have complied. (They haven’t.) The Saudi government continues to fund jihad around the world, including right here.

How about we send them all home? If we just UPS them back to where they came from, we wouldn’t have to search old ladies in wheelchairs, and subject citizens to pissing their pants on the last hour of flights.

But even more sinister, I suggest we make their BVD bombs. The thing we don’t tell them is, that the bomb won’t kill them. It will cause them some amount of distress, maybe even pain, but it won’t kill them. We strap them up with what I like to call Wildfire bombs, complete with GPS units, so we know where they are at all times. We let them into the airport, even the boarding area. Then, about ten minutes before boarding, we set the Wildfire bomb off.

The bomb is carefully designed to hit the sphincter first, getting it good and hot. Then it sprays behind his balls, and then it coats his entire BVD area, and then everyone is alerted to watch the meltdown, and cheer “God is great!” while the bomber thinks he is dying. The whole thing is captured by YouTube and beamed around the world.

Let’s just see how many volunteers they have after that. (Especially after the close ups.)

Unless you want dangerous criminal mooks to attack, rob, and maybe even kill you or your loved ones, buy pepper spray and a stun gun.

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